My lolo

November 9, 2011 Leave a comment

I’ve been silently calling out for help to my deceased grandfather – whom I’ve always looked up to as a protector – because I’ve been feeling sick and depressed lately. Just thinking about him comforts me. This morning I woke up to the sound of a male voice grunting and it sounded a lot like him. I didn’t know what to make of it so I just ignored it. When I was walking to work later this morning, the pleasant smell of flowers greeted me. I looked around if there were flowers nearby but only a parked government bus stood in front of me.

Lolo, if it was you, thank you for assuring me that you’re still looking after me. Thank you for giving me strength. I miss you.

 

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Categories: Uncategorized

I fear not

November 6, 2011 Leave a comment

I have decided to cease being immobilized by fear. Instead of worrying endlessly about what may happen tomorrow, I am focusing on what I want to achieve long-term. All the negativity, worries and insecurities eating me up won’t matter to me 10, 20 or 30 years from now, unless I let them kill me first. So I am done wasting time and energy on induhviduals who will not matter to me in the future. From now on, my life shall revolve around myself (as it should), the people I care about, and those who I choose to keep in my life for the long haul.

(Written on 23 Oct 2011, after some serious anxiety attacks.)

Categories: Uncategorized

Anxious

November 5, 2011 Leave a comment

My officemate tells me her heart feels heavy on weekend nights before another work day. I tell her I feel the same way. Recently, I’ve been feeling anxious about going to work almost every day. It’s a Saturday night tonight and I feel anxious about going to work. I’m not scheduled to report for work for another two days. What does this say about my workplace? My worrying and complaining aren’t doing me a lot of good. I think my anxiety has started to affect my health. I have a cough that won’t go away. My left knee hurts and I’m not even sure why. I sleep too much like a person depressed. I’ve been gaining a lot of weight too.

I wish there is a magic spell that will take away the anxieties which my officemate and I experience. Our work isn’ the problem to begin with. We’re both competent enough to do our jobs well. Some people at work affect us negatively. Most days I’m fine. The moment nightfall creeps in, I start feeling anxious again. I don’t want to think of myself as a coward, but fighting this war has made me so angry and, a lot of times, extremely anxious. But anger is good. Anger, to a large extent, has made me brave.

However, I’d like to handle my anxiety better. Like a monk that prays and meditates, I am chanting this verse whenever my heart feels heavy with anxiety:

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day.

Matthew 6:34

Categories: Uncategorized

Wishing and hoping

November 1, 2011 Leave a comment

I wish I can change my life from what it is now. I do not want to be somebody else. I just want to do something beautiful, extraordinary and inspiring for a change.

At thirty-four, I know what my interests are, but I’ve never really developed the courage to pursue them.

I am tired of being afraid and of limiting myself to simply taking what life offers me.

I wish I were brave enough to create what I really want in my life:

To develop a plan. To work according to that plan. To live life with the highest measure of happiness and fulfillment I can give it.

I wish I were worthy of being alive.

Categories: Uncategorized

Bravery is good for the soul

October 30, 2011 Leave a comment

My recent situation at work has taught me something invaluable: One has to recognize and acknowledge obnoxious behavior for what it is. I have always belonged to the nice and kind crowd, the circles made up of goody two-shoes who will not torment others out of envy, spite or pettiness. And now I am dealing with some persons whose capacity for meanness and rapaciousness exceeds the level I thought them capable of.

Despite my initial pushover tendencies, I’ve discovered that I am strong enough to assert myself and to put people in their proper places. I’ve realized that I could talk openly about this problem with colleagues and friends whom I trust in order for me to confront the situation levelheadedly . I’ve learned that making excuses for the inexcusable behavior of others is not kindness but cowardice. It occurs to me that avoiding to speak about something unpleasant will not make the problem go away but could only worsen it. I’ve learned that some people have no conscience when it comes to bullying others. Fortunately, I’ve also realized that I could only be bullied if I am weak.

Now I am just longing to move forward. I know that whatever happens, I’ll always have my dignity in place. I am also confident knowing that I have the means to support myself anytime I choose to walk away from this job. And If I walk away, I know I won’t be looking back.

Categories: Diabetic

The kind barista

October 29, 2011 Leave a comment

It was one of those days at work when I needed to get away to feel better. I hied off to Figaro where I get a small discount for a cheese muffin and a glass of cappucino frost. Armed with a book, I chose a table, sat down and started reading.

The barista nearby must have sensed my anxiety: I was reading the book as if my happiness depended on it. He asked me the usual questions about how my food and drinks were and if I needed anything else. Then I noticed him putting an orange clip on the photo of the beverages placed on my table. I thought it was something he dropped so I didn’t pay any attention to it. I resumed reading after he left. Forty minutes later, I looked at the photo on my table and saw the smiling face on top of the orange clip.

I looked around at the tables of the other customers. None of them had smiling faces on their tables. I took my cue from the orange clip and smiled for the first time that day.

Categories: Icing on the cake

The woman with the big smile

October 24, 2011 Leave a comment

October 21, 2011

When I was about to enter the gate of our office today, I saw a 50-or 60-something woman smile at me. I thought she was just being friendly since we work in the same court. She was wearing her ID so I knew. I tried to smile back at her but ended up doing so uneasily. I walked hurriedly and entered the gate ahead of her. After taking several steps past the gate, I heard someone behind me say, “Attorney, attorney!” I looked back and again saw the woman walking behind me with a big smile on her face.

She asked me who I work for. I ratted off the name of my boss and wondered if I knew her from my previous job. I then asked her who she works for. It turned out that she works for a justice for whom a friend of a friend also works. The woman then told me she recognized me because we were groupmates in a seminar two years ago.

Then I remembered. It was the seminar where the prosecutor and the PAO lawyer threw tantrums like prima donnas. I ended up screaming at the PAO lawyer in anger and exasperation. The prosecutor saw my own tantrum and must have realized that I was ready to fight. She and the PAO lawyer behaved from then on for the remainder of our rehearsal.

The woman and I chatted pleasantly and said our goodbyes. Then I thought: Maybe I am a decent person despite my temper. For that woman to be friendly to me years after that ugly incident could mean that my screaming at the lawyer with the overblown ego did not make me look like a crazy person after all.

More importantly, the woman with the big smile restored my faith in the sincerity and basic goodness of some people. They are qualities that I needed to see in other human beings again, if only to remain sane and hopeful during this difficult time.

Categories: Figurines